I Hope I'll Be Okay.

Hei.
It's not like anyone comes here anymore but,I guess I'll still update it.
Felt quite crappy the moment I got home after school because I knew no one was going to be home until late at night.So I'm home alone and crying as I type this.Sounds so stupid,I know.I don't know why but I hope it's just pms and nothing more because I really don't want to deal with all the sht I did years ago.I don't want to go back there.
Yesterday was great with bb. Sometimes I just feel so fucking stupid because I text and I don't get a reply. Now that no one reads this page anymore I guess I'll just spill.Take the analogy - new broom sweeps clean.When something is new,all your attention goes to it.But after awhile,that thing isn't new anymore and you tend to neglect it.Agree?
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.Maybe it's just me,expecting more than what people give.Maybe I deserve to feel this way.Maybe,maybe,maybe.
My nights used to be so happy and I feel like everything was good,but it seems like my past is catching up with me.Nights where I just sat on the couch and think,and think and think.Think about nothing,think about everything.Think of my day,my nights,my life,my friends.And I just end up crying my eyes out for no reason.So maybe,just maybe,that's why I love clubbing so much.I can forget everything for awhile and live through the night.As with dance;I forget everything and live in the moment.Dance feels my pain,it feels my happiness and feels me when I am confused.Something so intangible can cause such comfort.
People say they care,but do they really?When you're at your darkest,how many are there to fight for you,with you.The only person in the whole entire world you can trust,is yourself.
So then I say it again,I hope it's just pms.

Rehearsal Time.

Heihei!

I'm in quite a happy and lively mood this morning,but running late to meet the girls so I will just post a short update.
Rehearsals for my concert starts todayyy and I am quite nervous and scared but it's exciting! :D bb and Mum are going to be there to watch me;I hope I don't screw up.I was suppose to get an MC initially,but I woke up late and my school is going to give me an X for my grade either way,so I don't see the point in going through the trouble.
After concert practice yesterday,Audrey and I had dinner at Kopitiam and I briefly mentioned that I wanted to change dance schools because I need to 'up' my standard.At the end of the day,I don't want to be dancing in studios for class and exam purposes.I want to dance in studios to perform on stage,and I don't need the main role of Adette or the Sugar Plum Fairy.I want the adrenaline of knowing I'm going on stage to perform and let other young dancers be inspired.And of course,for myself;to improve myself each time.Audrey told me about City Ballet,and I came across it yesterday too.I did some research and just like what I was told,they are run by past SDT dancers and I have such respect for SDT dancers. (not including prima ballerinas) So I think I will try and see if I can find myself a class as they are just opening a new Inter. Found class this week :D

Photo credit: http://leilanavidi.blogspot.sg/2011/12/ballet-behind-scenes.html

Hermit Crabs.

Heihei.

Long day I had today.School was alright,we had lab session.My spread plate was suppose to have bacteria but I only had one colony. :( I am terrible at lab and streaking.Dance rehearsals after that. It went well I guess because I got to practice the Jazz piece with the music and memorized my positioning and music timing.Then the HK dance rehearsal with Lao Shi. It was good.I feel more confident I think.

But for some reason,I just feel so down today.There were so many times that I just wanted to stop everything and just leave.To get out of the classroom,the studio or where ever I was and just go.I don't know where I would go,or what I would do,but anywhere would be better than where I was.Of course I didn't,because that'd be stupid,immature and anything you can name.
I almost cried yesterday in front of bb but I told myself not to,because tough girls don't cry. I've always thought as crying as a sign of weakness.I have to push through whatever sht I'm feeling and just pull myself together.If I don't get through this,I don't know who else can do it for me.

'Just like a hermit crab,some people seem tough on the outside but soft on the inside.' I may seem tough and I may look like I'm not affected,but deep in my heart,every word and action kills me.What you see and how I choose to portray the image are two different things.

Don't practice until you get it right.Practice until you can't get it wrong.

Heihei♡

I think today I will talk more about school and life,and what have I.

I'm in such a foul mood today and I don't even know why.Had Anatomy & Physiology and it was quite interesting and fun - muscles.
I have Ballet later at 7.30pm and for some reason,I feel anxious because the pianist will be there and he plays for SOTA.I'm afraid he would judge me.Exam's on 21st and I have not manage to do my doubles.This is getting frustrating and highly annoying.It's like knowing what is wrong,but not being able to change it no matter how much you try.
People think dance is easy.They look at ballerinas in awe when she prances around the stage,feather light and graceful but what they do not know is that hard work put in.The workouts,the practices and the feeling of not being good enough all the time.Well,unless you're the principal dancer of ABT,you will feel like you're not up to standard.It gets to me quite often.And even if you are a principal dancer,trainings are needed to ensure standards are met.
But then again,I wouldn't know what to do without dance.Something so intangible can make such a huge impact.
So exhausted,both mentally and physically.Shall try and get my daily assignments done before Ballet class and get down to do some conditioning.