Tongue Tied and Terrified

I cannot describe how awful I feel right now.I wish so badly this is all a bad dream,but I know it isn't. I thought that a week apart would get us closer,I thought absence makes the heart grow fonder.I thought I thought I thought...

I did something so horribly unreal,I don't think I could ever forgive myself.Anger got the better of me,it always does.Whenever I am angry,I get so overwhelmed and I go into a rage stage where I'm not very aware of what I'm actually doing.Only after have I calmed down do I realize the impact of everything that I have done.The shouting,the hitting,the screaming and the pushing.

I kept asking myself what if's.

What if I have gone further?What if I had pushed harder?What if I had lost all control and used so much force,I actually hurt someone?WHAT IF HE FELL?

I guess the thing about me is that I have extremes.I could be very happy at some point,and something could just get me all mad and then I could calm down again quite quickly.And I expect people to do the same.I expect them to put happy smiles and laughter after they have been angered,I expect others to do things for me willingly despite how they may actually feel.And when they don't,I push.I push them to do things,to make things go my way.I guess I'm still learning to understand and accept that things don't work this way.I need to accept.

Thinking of all I've done today,I felt so bad and I felt that no one deserved to be treated that way.I couldn't apologise because there wasn't any point if apologising meant nothing;there wasn't any point if I did it again.There also wasn't any apology that could reason why I did such a thing because there was no reason or excuse to my behaviour.I thought he deserved better;he deserves someone better than me.I wasn't good enough,it was simple as that.And it probably won't be anytime soon that I became all good and fully understood him.Change takes time,and I couldn't just magically make it happen.But then I thought again.I was the one who made this mess,I claim responsible for it and I should clean it up.I should prove that I really have changed,and I need to do this for myself too.He does deserve better;he deserves a better me.I may not be good enough now,but eventually I will be.Changes takes time,wounds take time to heal and great things take time.How long,I wouldn't know but it's not about the destination but the journey that makes it all worth it.

I need to stop being such a child.I need to remind myself that I even though things don't go my way,I mustn't show my temper and throw tantrums.When I start working,there will be times that I don't get my way and it sure as hell won't go my way even more if I throw tantrums like a spoilt child.

I know sorries are not what you want now because it could just mean I would do it again.I hope you can help me when I feel like I'm losing my cool.Help me to help myself,help me to help us because I'm tired of it all.I tired of unhappiness and bickering.I want us to be the best we can be and that everyone we know will wonder, "They're still together?I want something like that too,something real."

Mayday Parade - I'd Hate to Be You When People Find Out What This Song is About

And we both go down together

We'd stay there forever

Just try to get up

And I'm sorry

This wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

And never let go

Well I'm thinking of the worst things

That I could say to you

But a promise doesn't mean a thing, anymore

And this never will be right with me

And now you're trying desperately

But I'm tongue tied and terrified, of what I'll say

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go

I could only sing you sad songs

And you could sing along

And you could see the melody

That's been calling out your wrongs

And this never will be right with me

And now you're trying desperately

But I'm tongue tied and terrified, of what I'll say

But I never told you everything

I'm losing hope and fading dreams

And every single memory along the way

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go

And we both go down together

And stay there forever

Just try to get up

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go

One More,Here We Go

1. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now?
Yes,very satisfied.I have friends,family and my precious bb♥ I have a job that gives me extra pocket money and I've just applied for another one.Fingers crossed that I will get hired.

2. Do you drink enough water?
Don't think I do but I try to

3. When was the last time you ate at Burger King?
It has been farrrr too long.Maybe 1 year odd back.

4. Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
This is a hard question,but I would go with the beach just because there are more things I can do,depending on the weather and I can also sun tan and wear nice bikinis :D

5. How do you usually feel when you wake up on a morning?
Weekdays,I feel like I'm dying.But weekends I feel very refreshed and rejuvenated.

6. Would you rather take someone on a date, or be taken on a date?
Taken on a date,but it depends on the situation as well.

7. When was the last time you wore high heeled shoes?
A few months back

8. Vodka or wine?
VODKA always wins♥♥♥

9. How often do you cry?
I don't cry very often nowadays.Got to be a strong woman now.

10. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
No ew

11. Can you wire a plug?
That was total alien language to me,so obviously no.

12. Do you wear socks to bed?
Only in November and December,when the nights are chilly and socks makes everything so much more cozy.

13. What is currently bugging you?
How am I going to finish this snack I am having because it's not as tasty as I thought it would be hahahh

14. Where were you when you got your first period?
11 omg hahahh

15. Can you change a car tire?
No

16. Have you met more than ten celebrities?
Nope

17. Do you sleep naked?
No.I think it's quite unhygienic.

18. What was the best music gig you've ever attended?
The only and only gig and it was The Click Five.I want to go Tomorrowland so badly :'(

19. Have you ever had sexual feelings for anyone you follow?
I have a boyf.No.

20. Do you think Benedict Cumberbatch is hot?
Who?Hahahh

21. Favourite Disney princess?
Ariel because she's the prettiest and has the biggest eyes and red hair

22. Favourite city?
Singapore,my homeland.

23. Can you drive?
No,I wish I could.

24. Cigarettes or alcohol?
Alcohol♥

25. Exercise or healthy eating?
Healthy eating.Healthy eating contributes 70% to a healthy lifestyle,30% exercising.

26. Favourite and least favourite accents?
Favourite accents would be Brisitsh,and least favourite would be Singaporean accents.You got to admit,we sound pretty bleh sometimes.

27. What are you looking forward to?
Cruise trip this Wed

28. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child?
No.

29. Are you more attracted to men or women?
None,I am attracted to my boyf (:

30. Do you like 1980s fashion?
Mmm,nah.I like the 1800s.

The Past Week

Hey❤

This week has been very busy for me.I had my last UT papers on Monday and Tuesday,and Wednesday is always stressful because of Chem2 module.UT3 aka the final exam is in about a month's time so I need to start preparing.

I FINALLY met the crazy Parvin after about a month since her summer break.So happy she came back and we could meet.She visited our Ballet teacher too.When Parvin walked into the studio and Ms Pamela's face just lighted up,it was priceless.We then had dinner at BBQ Chicken,which was not so great and we both agreed that Parvin should decide the next time we meet again HEEHEE.

Thursday

Salmon chunks spaghetti for me, chicken mushroom spaghetti for Parvin

My food was pretty okay but not fantastic,and Parvin's pasta was just...salty.Yes,salty.We also had ice-cream because we got the student meal,but my strawberry ice-cream was salty too :(

Friday

It was truly TGIF when Friday finally came because I was already exhausted when Tuesday came.My class has this thing called Fat Friday,where we will order Macs and have lunch together,so it helps us bond and get to know each other better. (: It was my second time 'taking part';my first time was an apple pie order hahahh.This time I got Mcwings spicy,introduced by blogger Eunice Annabel on her blog.

All the food we ordered.Fit for a class like mine :D

Tried the healthier approach for unhealthy food.Here I have corn and tea instead of fries and soft drink or something.

Then in the evening,I met my bb in the east.We were hungry and he suggested BBQ Chicken.So there I was,at BBQ Chicken again hahahh but we ordered a 2 person combo instead of the student meal.It had soup,a chicken platter,olive rice,drinks and dates as fruits.

Mushroom soup

Chicken platter

The grilled chicken was not bad,but other than that,it was all quite average.

Saturday

Colleague gave all of us a donut because it was our last day at work before the renovations/makeover.Feel so loved because she specially got it for us.I thought it was going to be a bit of a small gathering thing,and I would be able to take pictures of all he donuts but some staff took their share before their break.Hence the slightly empty box :/

And I chose the pink donut!

I also tried TSS's chef's special soup instead of my usual which would either be Tokyo chicken stew or Mushroom soup.This is broccoli,mac and cheese soup with shallots.It wasn't the 'matching' condiment but it goes with everything.

Sunday

Started my day quite late because I had work yesterday so I was really tired.Had chicken chop rice for lunch and it was really good.

In the evening as usual,we all went to meet my Gu Jie for dinner. (: This week,we managed to try the Thai stall at Seah Im Food Centre because last week,the whole hawker centre was closed for cleaning.

Candid shot while trying to take pictures of my very first symmetrical eyebrows

First OOTD on my blog (I think)

Credits to my mum for taking them.

Pepper chicken with rice for my dad

Glass noodles with seafood for me;I asked for no squids

Chicken with chilli for my mum

Pad thai for Gu Jie

My glass noodles were good.I liked how random the ingredients were,like fishcakes and sausages hahahh. The pad thai was quite delicious too.

Ending my post with today's orange sunset!

Have a great week ahead everyone!

All the Food the Past Week

Heiheihei

School has been busy and I will keep this post with a few words as possible as I am updating my blog during break time.Yes,I am in school now.So last Wednesday,I finally watched Despicable Me 2 with bb and it was really cute.The minions and the little girl Agnes were the only 2 reasons why I wanted to watch that movie.After the movie,we had our late night dinner at a Thai cafe.I still prefer Nana at Goldenmile though,it's cheaper and the food is more tasty.

Thai milk tea

Hor fun

It was slightly salty and not starchy enough.I love my hor fun or anything that is supposed to have starch,to be really starchy!

bb's sticky mango dessert

The rice was slightly hard and undercooked. :/

On Sunday,my mum suggested that instead of having the usual western at the food court near our house,we could try the Peranakan stall where she had chicken curry.So we did that and we chose chicken curry,sambal chicken,and curry yong tau foo.

Overview of our lunch without the rice

Sambal chicken

It was so so s o o o good!The lime really brought all the flavours together.

Then,in the evening we went to Expo because my Mum wanted to try the kebab but sadly this time round,the kebab booth was not there.I think she got the next food nearest to a kebab - satay!

It wasn't that good,and we didn't have the rice that usually comes with satay :(

Sour soup my Gu Jie got

It was more of salty and peppery,but quite addictive :( Unhealthy.

Mee sua

It doesn't look good eh?It doesn't taste good either hahahh but I appreciate my aunt helping me get this because I was really frustrated with a lot of things at that time.

Photo break heehee

Yesterday,my Starbucks-Studying clique went to Starbucks and we got drinks and food!Their salad is really good,and the sauce too but I think it's not too healthy to take so much sauce because it's salty.The salad is pre-packed though :/

L-R:Hot/Iced Mocha and Barista's Salad with Chicken

Had a UT today.2 down,3 more to go!