Saturday, 17 December 2011

You Never Really Can Fix A Heart.

Work today was as shitty as I could ever imagine.

Last night,I texted J and apologised like a fool,saying how I wanted to sit with him but I couldn't because the place was too cram etc and in the middle of the text,I said something like,"I do like to sit with you but it was really cram so I got hold of any seat I could get"etc and he probably thought that I said I liked him.I usually text in the English English or traditional English and he misread the whole thing and I sent another message today,apologising for that apology text.I am such a mess.

He disappeared for his break with his guy friend just as I texted "break?"to him,and he asked if I wanted anything.I replied no,and he bought me tea anyways.

At that moment,I didn't know what to feel but I felt like slapping someone.Anyone.At times like these when I can't seem to control my emotions and istead of flaring up,I act like a child.So I sat at my desk and sipped the tea like a kid.

After work,before I left,I invited myself to the seat beside him and said he had to watch a Ballet video with me as a punishment.And when he said punishment for what,I didn't reply.

He didn't deny the sentence in the apology text I sent that said something like 'I like your company as a friend and nothing more'and it's so very confusing but I have decided not to think too much anymore.It's pointless and a waste of time.If things are meant to happen,they will.

And if he doesn't want to persue the friendship,then there's nothing I can say because I have nothing to say to that.

Diet wise,I stuck to about 318 calories today.I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere in terms of losing weight,and for some reason,I don't feel very hungry these days.In fact,my work is keeping me too busy to keep track if I am hungry and if I do want to get something to snack on.I've shed about 3 kilos so far,so 4 more kilos to go before my GW1!Stoked about that. :)

Hopefully tomorrow will be better but for now,I just feel like my safety net is gone.I feel like I'm building up this wall around me and no one can seem to penetrate through it.Somehow and somewhat,I still think that as long as I have my ed,there's something I can rely on.

Although my whole world crumbles around me and I fail at literally everything,I still can control my weight.Something I'm good at.

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