Tongue Tied and Terrified

I cannot describe how awful I feel right now.I wish so badly this is all a bad dream,but I know it isn't. I thought that a week apart would get us closer,I thought absence makes the heart grow fonder.I thought I thought I thought...

I did something so horribly unreal,I don't think I could ever forgive myself.Anger got the better of me,it always does.Whenever I am angry,I get so overwhelmed and I go into a rage stage where I'm not very aware of what I'm actually doing.Only after have I calmed down do I realize the impact of everything that I have done.The shouting,the hitting,the screaming and the pushing.

I kept asking myself what if's.

What if I have gone further?What if I had pushed harder?What if I had lost all control and used so much force,I actually hurt someone?WHAT IF HE FELL?

I guess the thing about me is that I have extremes.I could be very happy at some point,and something could just get me all mad and then I could calm down again quite quickly.And I expect people to do the same.I expect them to put happy smiles and laughter after they have been angered,I expect others to do things for me willingly despite how they may actually feel.And when they don't,I push.I push them to do things,to make things go my way.I guess I'm still learning to understand and accept that things don't work this way.I need to accept.

Thinking of all I've done today,I felt so bad and I felt that no one deserved to be treated that way.I couldn't apologise because there wasn't any point if apologising meant nothing;there wasn't any point if I did it again.There also wasn't any apology that could reason why I did such a thing because there was no reason or excuse to my behaviour.I thought he deserved better;he deserves someone better than me.I wasn't good enough,it was simple as that.And it probably won't be anytime soon that I became all good and fully understood him.Change takes time,and I couldn't just magically make it happen.But then I thought again.I was the one who made this mess,I claim responsible for it and I should clean it up.I should prove that I really have changed,and I need to do this for myself too.He does deserve better;he deserves a better me.I may not be good enough now,but eventually I will be.Changes takes time,wounds take time to heal and great things take time.How long,I wouldn't know but it's not about the destination but the journey that makes it all worth it.

I need to stop being such a child.I need to remind myself that I even though things don't go my way,I mustn't show my temper and throw tantrums.When I start working,there will be times that I don't get my way and it sure as hell won't go my way even more if I throw tantrums like a spoilt child.

I know sorries are not what you want now because it could just mean I would do it again.I hope you can help me when I feel like I'm losing my cool.Help me to help myself,help me to help us because I'm tired of it all.I tired of unhappiness and bickering.I want us to be the best we can be and that everyone we know will wonder, "They're still together?I want something like that too,something real."

Mayday Parade - I'd Hate to Be You When People Find Out What This Song is About

And we both go down together

We'd stay there forever

Just try to get up

And I'm sorry

This wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

And never let go

Well I'm thinking of the worst things

That I could say to you

But a promise doesn't mean a thing, anymore

And this never will be right with me

And now you're trying desperately

But I'm tongue tied and terrified, of what I'll say

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go

I could only sing you sad songs

And you could sing along

And you could see the melody

That's been calling out your wrongs

And this never will be right with me

And now you're trying desperately

But I'm tongue tied and terrified, of what I'll say

But I never told you everything

I'm losing hope and fading dreams

And every single memory along the way

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go

And we both go down together

And stay there forever

Just try to get up

And then we both go down together

We may stay there forever

I'll just try to get up

And I'm sorry

But this wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

You never let go

But I let go